soapbox

Angels and Jack

I am covering my eyes with my paws and trying to avoid a disaster as Amber is stressed out with production on her job. She is in the middle of two shoots back to back and a lot of details must not be missed, and a couple already were. Sometimes she wonders if this is where she should be — television production. She is learning by trial and error, and focusing on the story for the viewers, but sometimes being a woman in a mans world is tough, especially when you have to sharpen and keep all of your tools in a row. Not a lot of time to blog, but our readers are in our hearts and your recognition of the good things are appreciated. It's days like this that Amber feels she could use an extra angel...and a bottle of jack. Okay, maybe no jack-- but an extra angel for sure.

Wuff Wuff, Charlie the dog blog

A guide to recognizing your saints

I am yawning and licking myself awake this morning. I stayed up late waiting for Amber to come home from the DESERTERS show last night. I wanted to hear all about it, but my ears could only stay perked for so long. We are used to going to bed early, and waking up early—but our schedule is ejected because of good old rock and roll. Our closest friend and neighbor Angie Bruyerre had a show for Marlboro where she could win 15,000.00 if chosen. She is already a finalist. Her talent and songs unzip everyone who hear them, and she is a true rockstar in every sense of the word. Amber wishes she could let the whole world hear her sing. Longtime friends came to support her, and Amber was happy to see all of them. After becoming sober, she has not spent as much time at the party as she would before, so last night was a special treat. She drank too much expensive Red Bull and smoked too many fags.

Amber met some new friends she really liked, Jennifer-Misty’s dear friend, and Dito Montiel, who Amber has wanted to meet for some time. She recognizes the similarities in their lives, and admires his courage, talents, and strength. He is also an absolutely handsome chap, but Amber likes who people are within. Anyone can be beautiful with a quick trip to Beverly Hills, but real beauty is inside out. There were some television stars in the audience that linger in places like Troubadour, and Amber acknowledged how much she loves Hollywood. Dreams coming true, dreams broken, dreams becoming more than a flicker of a thought. It’s the city of Angels….and those angels can be the death of us, or they can protect and guide us. I like doing it Montiel’s way. I use “A guide to recognizing your Saints” and I never truly leave my lessons without having them learned. By the time Amber finally got home, my wagging tail never stopped as she tucked in for bed, with an exhausted smile, and let her own dreams fill the universe.

eternal love

The eternal love in my life is the love I created.

Discovery through tragedy

Fear is a feeling, and most of the time our feelings can be wrong. When we are in the feeling however, there is a lot of action that must take place to get rid of the negative ones. If the feelings aren’t serving us, and our higher purpose, it takes contrary actions to survive. These contrary actions are what build our character, and show the real soul underneath. We are made of so much more than what we believe. Most of the time the answers are not in our head, but in prayer, meditation, and listening to someone who knows more than us on the subject.



The subject of Bill’s suicide are swirling our household. Amber has heard more than she would ever like to hear about it. She read the bloody suicide note from the coroners office, and stared blankly at the “Amber has a black heart and is evil” that plagued Bills feelings in the last moments of his life. Annmarie was written in a fashion that this was “because he loved her” and so on. He tried making himself a saint and really laid on the guilt to Annmarie in his last wishes by saying he would “watch over her children from UP THERE. This really showed he was in belief that he would be going to a better place. For him, going “up there” meant heaven. The guilt and grief he left in our home will linger for a long time unfortunately, and will impact Annmarie and Amber more than words can ever express. The more people Amber meets, that were close to Bill show her that his selection in people and close friends were also sick. Abusive to each other, and forgiving of it, and fraudulent money, drugs, sexual deviance, swirling of personalities and so on, are all laid out. The carnality that fills the home is rampant and Amber is hanging on tight to her boundaries and blessings. In this time it feels the evil and carnival of pain of others is too close for comfort.


Last night FRED (fake name to keep his anonymity) came over with a complete new look. He cut his hair off, and shaved off his goatee. Amber didn’t even recognize him, and I caught her staring at him more than once—trying to figure out who this new man was. Rebecca came over and was doing some work on her computer. After finding out that she could offer employment to FRED Amber pushed and escorted the opportunity towards him. He was unreceptive to having “that job” and his lack of excitement over an opportunity to support himself until something better came along shocked Amber. She felt that all he said about wanting a job, and needing to move out of his parents home, and paying for his own car, was all vein and void. He didn’t mean it, and is waiting—as Bill did….for the job he feels he should be doing. He hasn’t had his own money, or home, or his own car for months—even a year. His relationship was destroyed because he wasn’t self supporting. He even became angry with Amber for “taking his inventory” and was smug and cold at the presentation of opportunity Amber thought he would be grateful for. Later that evening Fred watched SONS OF ANARCHY in Amber’s room, but Amber felt he was such a stranger (other than who he claimed to be) that she had to excuse herself and take a hot bubble bath and pray for God to guide her towards honest and wholesome people. He left, and Amber cried herself to sleep. The lessons she is learning are coming in a tornado storm, and she is grateful for what she is learning, but grieving the loss of mock people. Being able to see people for who they are sometimes hurts, because we want them to be someone else, someone more capable, and earnest. But change is everyone’s independent journey and some people don’t appreciate the push. Everything in a relationship changes when they act as if they are one thing, and the authentic person they are is not capable of what we expect or want in them. They fake the “I’m going to…” and they wait for perfection rather than progress. Amber never wants to be like that- and there were many times she presented herself as something she was not, but that is not who she is today. I’ve been Ambers furry friend for many years and have seen and been through many changes.




Life is a journey of joyful discovery, and sometimes even sad discovery. But each day brings a new hope, experience, awareness, greater faith, and a broader tolerance.

Suicide isn't painless

This morning there are no words that can cover the feelings in our home. Yesterday the police came over to let Annmarie know that her x-boyfriend who had been stalking her, had committed suicide. Amber rushed home from work, and realized this was not a joke when she came face to face with the detectives. Just yesterday Amber had finished her declaration for court asking for safety from this man hurting her. After all the suicide threats it was still hard to believe that he actually did it. He framed a photograph of Annmarie and her father, and wrote a sick suicide note partially blaming Amber for his downfall (stating she has a black heart and is EVIL) and jumped off the top of a building.

Even in the end, he laid the blame of his failures on others. Amber is still sad that he didn’t accept the help offered, but felt a relief for her own safety and the safety of Annmarie. Last week Amber wrote an email to Bill offering him numbers for therapy, and solution programs. Bill had all the answers he would accept. My compassion goes to his family, but mostly to Annmarie. His demise will forever impact the heart of an innocent x-girlfriend, who just wanted to move on with her life. He would never let her go and would rather kill himself and become a victim of “her love.” This was not love. This was obsession and sickness in it’s finest. So today instead of memorizing a script for her job, or just taking it easy at home—Annmarie is devastated beyond words. How could a human being who claimed love—hurt someone so strongly as this? Sociopathic obsession is Ambers only answer. She does not want to turn this man into a saint by his self-seeking actions, and narcissistic motives. God bless those he left behind.

The missionaries came over last night and gave Amber, Annmarie, and Brian blessings. Each blessing came straight from heaven and the tears would not stop. Remembering our purpose, and faithful prayer for a spiritual light filled our home. Brian was a wonderful friend, and stepped up to support us. We are eternally grateful for him, and even though he has taken off his “protection cape” he wore while protecting us from Bill, we will never forget him for his help and for staying near even when things weren’t going his way. He may not have to wear his cape, but he is still a hero in Amber’s book, and I will always growl with happiness when I see him.

BIll has taught Amber a lesson without even knowing it. To follow instinct, to protect and love your friends, and to offer help to others, but not to endanger yourself as a result.

Wuff Wuff
Charlie girl

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger
because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 911 now

If you are not in the U.S., please call your local emergency number.

There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.

If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Suicide Prevention Lines

You may call these suicide prevention numbers from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day. People are waiting to help you. Call a suicide prevention number right now if you need to. And always remember that it is never okay to act on your thoughts of suicide. Never. Again, call a suicide prevention number now if you need to.
Never act on your thoughts of suicide.
Extensive suicide prevention hotline numbers, categorized by country or state, can be found on the Suicide Prevention Hotlines pages of this web site. Go to the Suicide Prevention Hotlines index page now if you need to.
Suicide is never the answer.
Getting help is the answer.

Jane Fonda rags

Last night Amber walked to the bank to deposit her paycheck. It was nice. Amber sits in an office all day long--racking her brain for creative ideas to put on her Discovery show. December is a hard month to book, and Amber is a master google queen, looking for ideas all day long. Taking that short walk to the bank made her realize how much she needs to start exercising. It felt so good. So she is pulling out her designer leg warmers, and putting on her Jane Fonda rags--and making a new commitment to getting some adrenaline going. The winter padding is good in a dog, but not for Amber. She wont be taking me on her walks, my furry feet can't keep up.