Suicide isn't painless

This morning there are no words that can cover the feelings in our home. Yesterday the police came over to let Annmarie know that her x-boyfriend who had been stalking her, had committed suicide. Amber rushed home from work, and realized this was not a joke when she came face to face with the detectives. Just yesterday Amber had finished her declaration for court asking for safety from this man hurting her. After all the suicide threats it was still hard to believe that he actually did it. He framed a photograph of Annmarie and her father, and wrote a sick suicide note partially blaming Amber for his downfall (stating she has a black heart and is EVIL) and jumped off the top of a building.

Even in the end, he laid the blame of his failures on others. Amber is still sad that he didn’t accept the help offered, but felt a relief for her own safety and the safety of Annmarie. Last week Amber wrote an email to Bill offering him numbers for therapy, and solution programs. Bill had all the answers he would accept. My compassion goes to his family, but mostly to Annmarie. His demise will forever impact the heart of an innocent x-girlfriend, who just wanted to move on with her life. He would never let her go and would rather kill himself and become a victim of “her love.” This was not love. This was obsession and sickness in it’s finest. So today instead of memorizing a script for her job, or just taking it easy at home—Annmarie is devastated beyond words. How could a human being who claimed love—hurt someone so strongly as this? Sociopathic obsession is Ambers only answer. She does not want to turn this man into a saint by his self-seeking actions, and narcissistic motives. God bless those he left behind.

The missionaries came over last night and gave Amber, Annmarie, and Brian blessings. Each blessing came straight from heaven and the tears would not stop. Remembering our purpose, and faithful prayer for a spiritual light filled our home. Brian was a wonderful friend, and stepped up to support us. We are eternally grateful for him, and even though he has taken off his “protection cape” he wore while protecting us from Bill, we will never forget him for his help and for staying near even when things weren’t going his way. He may not have to wear his cape, but he is still a hero in Amber’s book, and I will always growl with happiness when I see him.

BIll has taught Amber a lesson without even knowing it. To follow instinct, to protect and love your friends, and to offer help to others, but not to endanger yourself as a result.

Wuff Wuff
Charlie girl

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger
because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 911 now

If you are not in the U.S., please call your local emergency number.

There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.

If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Suicide Prevention Lines

You may call these suicide prevention numbers from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day. People are waiting to help you. Call a suicide prevention number right now if you need to. And always remember that it is never okay to act on your thoughts of suicide. Never. Again, call a suicide prevention number now if you need to.
Never act on your thoughts of suicide.
Extensive suicide prevention hotline numbers, categorized by country or state, can be found on the Suicide Prevention Hotlines pages of this web site. Go to the Suicide Prevention Hotlines index page now if you need to.
Suicide is never the answer.
Getting help is the answer.

Jane Fonda rags

Last night Amber walked to the bank to deposit her paycheck. It was nice. Amber sits in an office all day long--racking her brain for creative ideas to put on her Discovery show. December is a hard month to book, and Amber is a master google queen, looking for ideas all day long. Taking that short walk to the bank made her realize how much she needs to start exercising. It felt so good. So she is pulling out her designer leg warmers, and putting on her Jane Fonda rags--and making a new commitment to getting some adrenaline going. The winter padding is good in a dog, but not for Amber. She wont be taking me on her walks, my furry feet can't keep up.

The Dobson Family

The Dobson Family is our made up mock family of Ambers. They love wearing red because Christmas is every-day for them. Their favorite thing to do is go to their book-club-study. They are currently reading Guinness Book of World records. Amber's name is Really Dobson, she has a sister Phillie, aunt and uncle Billie and billy.

It's not a cult, but a family.

Sober blessings

So many things have changed from the isolated and desolate existence Amber felt when she was into her drugs. She used to watch Blue’s Clues and fantasize about what it would be like to actually know the guy in the green-striped rugby shirt. The actor that was acting in front of a blue-screen was her only human friend other than the dealer who stopped by nightly.


She used to drink viles of GHB after a night alone and a pile of cocaine, after the pot stopped working. She would chug it and wonder if she drank too much and is she going to die now. After a half hour and still standing she would repeat the same insanity again until she would pass out, then suddenly wake, alert again. She would remember that she needed to eat, and binge on cream cheese and salsa until she became sick, and gagged and threw up the GHB, leaving piles of her insides throughout the apartment, knowing that no one would visit because every day was 4 am, and the real world was sleeping. Her television and figuring out Blues Clues was better than real human contact, because she was not suitable for life.


Her own voice couldn’t come out, because of the swollen glands on her tongue. Cocaine plagued her body, and her soul. In those Texas days she hated her own existence, and every day, every new pile of drugs, every man that reminded her of a father, and every unanswered prayer… tortured her because she wanted more. She wanted out, but didn’t know how. Trudging around in the middle of the night, with puke in her hair, scars on her crack-picked arms, and an untended cat box for a dead kitten she doused with too much flea dip and forgot to rinse, was not living her higher purpose.

Today those tears and prayers with the bottle have been answered.

Amber’s worse day sober is better than her best day loaded.

Amber’s sobriety is her biggest gift to herself.


There is a nice calm chill today in Los Angeles, and Amber is frustrated with all the mud we tracked in from the weekend. The maid is coming Wednesday, and a quick trip to the groomer is coming our way. Annmarie did her best attempt at cleaning the hard-wood floors, but instead of a nice solid clean, the oil she used made our floors as slick as silk. Everyone stumbled around like Bambi on ice because the oil-cleaner was overused. It was the perfect floor for a nice bowling game. Annmarie was oblivious to it all as she stayed in her room, chatting up the latest gossip on her phone. No one said a word to her about it because we would rather have oil on the floor than our doggie hair. So we slipped around for a bit before Amber wiped up the last of the oil. A serene home with candles, clean dogs, and nice music fitting to her mood is something Amber really enjoys. Annmarie and her dog are leaving for a few days- and it will be so quiet that Amber will be able to hear herself breath. That used to scare her, but she has invited God to stay near her.


Now being alone for a moment is not the horror it was years ago. Would it be better for me to not be so truthful here, and only write about perfection? Amber wouldn’t want that, and neither do I. We are here on earth to live and to learn. Some lessons come harder than others. Today Amber is a fully functioning artist, with friends who suit up and show up. Life is blessed.

stops and starts

Stops and starts. Amber is caught right in the middle of it all. She has become acutely aware of all she has taken for granted. When saying the last goodbye to someone who has been pretzeled into your being, it hits you harder. Especially when knowing it leaves the unknown there, without the security and rightness, crying desolately that "this is all new and different," and leaves you alone. It can kindof get you. With God as our new GPS system, we can't go wrong.

Amber tried desperately this morning to load the wonderful pictures from last night's party. It was a ""no go" but the pictures will be flowing out soon.

The drizzle of the rain is still keeping everything around us wet. When the sun finally comes back, it will show us a new light, and things we never saw before.

Wuff Wuff
Valley doggie..

pretty baby

Rain dance

The rain is drizzling against the window panes, and I crawled on top of Amber growling, waiting for her to get out of bed. On the weekends Amber loves to stay snuggled up unitl the coffee smell fills the air, and music has already begun, and only then does she want to get out of bed. She stammers to the coffee pot and looks around wondering what this day...this present day is going to offer her. Last night we watched the movie PRETTY BABY with Brook Shields. It was disturbing and ever so lovely. You know a movie has done it's part when you think about it long after the set has gone dark. These are the kinds of movies Amber wants to make. So with her silly, fatuaous vain smile she wrote notes like a mad woman. How she wants each detail of her own movie made, is now set on the page. The challenge with this is getting others as excited as her. Sometimes she feels like I do when a leash is around my neck and I just want to run. She doesn't want this project to be an organized pony and puppy show, she wants to run wild--like an Indian with a mission. She wants to create. The limitations are dreadful for Amber.

Yesterday was Halloween. This year the costumes stayed hidden in the back of Ambers closet, and she stayed home and relaxed. After 15 years of dressing up, she wanted to take a break instead. It was really nice. Her little "Panda Bear" called her from Oklahoma, and she can't wait to see pictures of her daughter. After helping Annmarie with paperwork for her own court-case Amber felt she had drained herself for the day, and rest was the most significant thing she could do. Her favorite Halloween was when she lived with the Lithgow family...and the only real memory is of the filled pillowcases.

Erin dressed up in Garb for work yesterday and Amber watched the candy bowl on her desk like a hyena in heat. After Amber and Erin ate all the candy, and laughed themselves into a sugar oblivion..Rob, our fearless leader and boss finally relaxed his opticals--and relaxed in the office for a moment.

Amber is making the adjustments neccessary for building her life, but the blessings make her wet with enthusiasm. The rains today will not stop her from going one step further with her life. And for today (just for today) it is luxurious, and filled with the finest opportunities.