This morning Jessica came in and woke Amber up by crawling in bed with her, and chattered away without a second thought that she may still want to sleep. Family is wonderful in that way, you don’t have to stress or wonder “will they like me?” or “Am I acting okay?” The family knows better than all of that, and you can’t play the victim card with them, because they know you too well, and your circumstance, was also theirs. How it affects us is different, and that is as plain as day with Ambers family. It is an eclectic combination of Felons, business owners, drug addicts, artists, polygamists, and models. The common bond is that they are family, and love each other very much. Love was never anything that was tucked away for Amber growing up. Anger, arguing, and some ignorant decisions (like switching or polygamy) by her parents still were done with love.
Aimee finally brought over some fags for Amber to smoke, and after a hot shower and a lot of coffee, Amber wandered out into the yard to see if the goat was still there, grazing –and tied to a chain. It had a bowl of water and walked right up to Amber the same way I do when I see her. Is it a goat? Really? And why is it here?
When Amber was young her family used to go milk goats with the Green family when they lived on another commune in Montana. Amber and her sisters got lice everytime they went, but her parents kept on taking them over there. Amber loves goat cheese, but still wonders how the goats feel about being treated like well-groomed doggies, chained to a random fence, able to wander about in grass. It all brings back so many memories. One particular memory is her dad drenching her hair in Kerosine, and gasoline to get rid of the lice, while her older brother smoked fags close-by. Doesn’t seem like the safest or smartest way to go about it.
Amber jumped in the 1927 Buggatti, put on her goggles, and went whizzing down the Utah country road. There were horses, emu’s, and more goats. It reminded me of a cartoon seeing her face stretch out in the wind-- and the history of the landscape blended with the car from the 20’s made it a great, but really a cold ride. Jessica has a collection of cars here including beetles, a pink VW bus, and a car called “the thing.” What a fun-but expensive hobby. The choices she made in her life led her to where she is today, comfortable with family and toys in the Utah countryside surrounded by mountains. It’s what you decide to do with your circumstances that matters, not what others try and make you.
Last night Ken told Jessica that “your family seems like they lacked something growing up, everybody talks, no one listens, and everyone has to be the center of attention.” Amber is not a psychology major but she is sure that somewhere a lot of that is true. It’s hard to see from the inside out, but when others see it so clearly, it’s hard to ignore. All Amber can do is try and remember her authentic inner child, and bring the love she feels for life, for fun, for family, to the life she lives today, alone without family, in the middle of the city of Angels.
Today is Amber’s birthday and every time someone says happy birthday I tuck my tail and hide. Amber has always been sensitive about her birthday. She always wanted to be younger, smarter, prettier, further along in decisions around love, career, etc. She also wants to have a closer relationship with her biological mother who is in jail this holiday. I wonder if she is thinking about Amber? Because Amber is adopted, she thinks about her biological mother on every birthday. She has never spent a birthday with her bio mom, and from the way her mother drinks, and holds resentments, it may never happen. She wasn’t raised by her, and her mom has a lot of creative talents, but loving Amber without perfected expectations isn’t one of them. The childhood is gone, but our inner child will always be there, with a lot of the same hopes we had when we were just puppies. Holidays can make you feel young, and old as hay -- all at the same time.
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