Fear is a feeling, and most of the time our feelings can be wrong. When we are in the feeling however, there is a lot of action that must take place to get rid of the negative ones. If the feelings aren’t serving us, and our higher purpose, it takes contrary actions to survive. These contrary actions are what build our character, and show the real soul underneath. We are made of so much more than what we believe. Most of the time the answers are not in our head, but in prayer, meditation, and listening to someone who knows more than us on the subject.
The subject of Bill’s suicide are swirling our household. Amber has heard more than she would ever like to hear about it. She read the bloody suicide note from the coroners office, and stared blankly at the “Amber has a black heart and is evil” that plagued Bills feelings in the last moments of his life. Annmarie was written in a fashion that this was “because he loved her” and so on. He tried making himself a saint and really laid on the guilt to Annmarie in his last wishes by saying he would “watch over her children from UP THERE. This really showed he was in belief that he would be going to a better place. For him, going “up there” meant heaven. The guilt and grief he left in our home will linger for a long time unfortunately, and will impact Annmarie and Amber more than words can ever express. The more people Amber meets, that were close to Bill show her that his selection in people and close friends were also sick. Abusive to each other, and forgiving of it, and fraudulent money, drugs, sexual deviance, swirling of personalities and so on, are all laid out. The carnality that fills the home is rampant and Amber is hanging on tight to her boundaries and blessings. In this time it feels the evil and carnival of pain of others is too close for comfort.
Last night FRED (fake name to keep his anonymity) came over with a complete new look. He cut his hair off, and shaved off his goatee. Amber didn’t even recognize him, and I caught her staring at him more than once—trying to figure out who this new man was. Rebecca came over and was doing some work on her computer. After finding out that she could offer employment to FRED Amber pushed and escorted the opportunity towards him. He was unreceptive to having “that job” and his lack of excitement over an opportunity to support himself until something better came along shocked Amber. She felt that all he said about wanting a job, and needing to move out of his parents home, and paying for his own car, was all vein and void. He didn’t mean it, and is waiting—as Bill did….for the job he feels he should be doing. He hasn’t had his own money, or home, or his own car for months—even a year. His relationship was destroyed because he wasn’t self supporting. He even became angry with Amber for “taking his inventory” and was smug and cold at the presentation of opportunity Amber thought he would be grateful for. Later that evening Fred watched SONS OF ANARCHY in Amber’s room, but Amber felt he was such a stranger (other than who he claimed to be) that she had to excuse herself and take a hot bubble bath and pray for God to guide her towards honest and wholesome people. He left, and Amber cried herself to sleep. The lessons she is learning are coming in a tornado storm, and she is grateful for what she is learning, but grieving the loss of mock people. Being able to see people for who they are sometimes hurts, because we want them to be someone else, someone more capable, and earnest. But change is everyone’s independent journey and some people don’t appreciate the push. Everything in a relationship changes when they act as if they are one thing, and the authentic person they are is not capable of what we expect or want in them. They fake the “I’m going to…” and they wait for perfection rather than progress. Amber never wants to be like that- and there were many times she presented herself as something she was not, but that is not who she is today. I’ve been Ambers furry friend for many years and have seen and been through many changes.
Life is a journey of joyful discovery, and sometimes even sad discovery. But each day brings a new hope, experience, awareness, greater faith, and a broader tolerance.
Posts
