Amber woke up really really early, and because it was still dark outside, I was not ready to get out of bed. She was up, and checking email, sipping hot coffee, and getting ready for the day. I tried burrowing back under the covers, and watched TLC’s “Bridal Dances” as I waited for the light. Amber has the defect of a racing mind, and it keeps going sometimes even when she is trying to sleep.
The actions of other people have put her in a tailspin, rain tears have fallen, and the actions of an x have made me want to hide with my tail tucked nicely, with perked ears, because I feel “on guard.” She spoke to this someone last night he even told her he was trying to hurt her back, and let her FEEL what he had felt for months. He knows Amber has innate heartbreak associated with abandonment, as a result of her being left behind as a baby, and it goes on from there. He intentionally let Amber hurt, and it makes me feel sad. He finally told her he wanted to teach her what pain felt like as if she didn't know. All Amber wanted was to not act on the anger, and be friends, and mend up any wrongs as a pair of people who truly cared for each other.
Ambers battle of emotional security is a daily struggle, and she has a hard enough go at it without anyone else trying to purposely make her hurt, and feel pain. The ironic part is Amber scrambled, crying, begging, seducing, and any other tool she had to make the pain stop. She was millimeters from wanting to drink, and her body followed her emotional upset by becoming sick itself. Every emotion from all her childhood aches came full surface, just as he wanted them too, and she was down for the count. Amber thought she had kept herself guarded enough in the relationship that he would have no control over her emotions, but in the end he had learned how to hurt back, and the hurricane knocked Amber over when she least expected it.
The entire experience has left my mind cautious, and if anyone wants in her life, I will not be as open to not biting them, and chasing them away. She went on a few dates, and had a nice time, but she is not going to let anyone new come in easily. It is a sad case when someone else wants to destroy happiness, security, and love, and they want to stop her growth. Many prayers are going to be said, and her knees are going to be red from being kneeled on for sincere prayer for Gods protection. This one is going to take strength, and a lot of action to get over, even though she knew it wasn’t right from the beginning, she trusted and loved him, and always wanted him in her life. She never imagined he would set out to try and strike at her, because he was hurt. But he did strike even knowing hour after hour, how much she was hurting over it. She should never assume because “he” is a man, that he will act strong, and lead Amber towards the right path regardless of his own battles. Amber made that assumption because the past relationships over the years were with men that would have Ambers back always, and they knew that they should not add to her struggle, but help her. She has that in Greg, and had that with Damon, and John, but not here now this time.
Amber doesn’t want to date, and for the moment believes that she would rather be alone, than hurt by people she opens up to.
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