Of course it was all in good fun, and being playful with those around me brings a lot of joy to the home. Working together for the purpose of happiness takes efforts sometimes that don’t come naturally. Sometimes I growl when Amber picks me up and growling is my way of showing her communication. I would growl and moan to be held, and after I get picked up, I sometimes snap and bite the person loving me. I’m not a bad doggie, just misunderstood sometimes by others, and misunderstood by myself. Like a saloon girl with a piano player, some things in life are just understood, even when it looks wrong on the outside.
Amber took Amy to Vegas with Amber’s friend Katia last year. The three girls set out to have a good time in the city of sin. They stayed in a beautiful hotel room, and treated themselves to new clothes, and new shoes, and a VIP table at an upscale bar after gambling their hearts out. Because Amber doesn’t drink she decided to head back to the room at around 3 am. Katia returned to the room at 4 am…and when Amy returned to the room the next morning. She was still drinking and had no intention of going to bed. She had a new PRADA purse, a new mock romance, and was very loud, drunk and proud. She was angry about all of the demons in her closet, and this was the perfect time for all of them to come out.
Katia is a shy girl, a Russian ballerina with no alcoholism in her genes at all. She also doesn’t have the heavy “life experience” Amber understood and shared with Amy. To make a long story short the two of them fought. Amy tried lighting Katia’s hair on fire, kicking and screaming at her, and basically placed several hard blows to Katia’s head. Amber held Amy down that day to stop the violence and stop the behavior. Amy cried like a wounded child as Amber stroked her hair, kissed her tear stained cheeks and told her “it’s okay sweety, it’s okay.” Amy liked it when she was restrained—and I think she had her own fun game of “hit Katia, get held by Amber.” She played the same game with Nick, another of our friends. She would go to a show, and hit bystanders after. Nick would hold her down to stop it, and she would go limp in his arms and cry. No one wanted Amy to hurt others, and no one wanted to hurt Amy. The pain and the anger and the sadness almost made Amber cry because it was so understood by her. Amber knows that feeling—and it is not uncommon in humans. But to an alcoholic it is heightened.
Katia never understood the violence and anger Amy possessed. It was years of resentments unleashed on an innocent bystander-and in this case Katia. Amber told Katia it was not her fault, and it was just alcoholism unleashed. It’s a triggered disease and Amy had no control of her actions once she hit that point. I’m glad Amber held her, stroked her hair and loved her in that crazed moment, and I regret she wasn’t there at the end when Amy needed to be held again.
This blog was never intended to be an outsource for emotions concerning Amy. But when Amy took her own life (a week ago today) she stole something from all of us. She stole our hearts, she stole our friend, she stole our neighbor, our sister, our daughter, our Amy.
It’s hard to teach an old doggie new tricks when one is already stuck in their ways. It’s hard things can be … the most important things of all. Amber and I live a blessed life. Understanding things for what they are is a gift. Amy was a wonderful sweet and kind person, but she suffered heavily and looked for answers in her head, rather than turning it over to a higher power. Amber prays for Amy’s family the most. The heartache felt by Amber and Nick is hard, but for her family it must be even more devastating. Prayer for them is the most important now.
Amber believes Amy is with God and his son Jesus Christ. Her lost innocence has been given back to her and it is Amber’s hope that she knows the love now…that was right there all along. Today I will celebrate the innocence we all have within. We have purpose. We have love, we have light---but only if that’s what we choose to see.
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